What joy?

Tonight at Canvas Group, we sang a song with the lyrics, "What joy! What joy for those whose hope in the name of the Lord!" Scanning the faces in the room, I wondered why everyone seemed so somber while we sang about this joy we have.

As for myself, the joy wasn't there either. I thought about all the people who don't have a relationship with God. I thought about the pain in the world, the hate I have for other people, how we are so often so mean to each other, and I said to God, "What joy? What joy am I supposed to have with all this?"

It's not the first time I've prayed a prayer like what I'm about to type. I have prayed it several times throughout the years that I've been trying to follow God.

"God, I don't feel this joy I'm supposed to have right now. There are so many people with no chance at a good life, no real chance for a relationship with you, so many damned to hell forever. All of us Christians talk about this plan you have for all of us, how it all works out for 'the good of those who love Him.' Well, it's worked out well for me, but for most people it's not going to work out. Most people are going to hell, and a lot of those people are good people. People better and more caring than myself. God, you plan sucks! It fucking sucks! It sucks so much that you had to wipe out almost all of humanity in Noah's time. It sucks so much you had to send Jesus to die just to....salvage the stupid system you set up in the first place. Your plan? Maybe you should have spent a little more time planning before you created people like me. All powerful? All powerful, but you still let people suffer for eternity? I don't get it. The Bible says you know about every sparrow, but you still let us make terrible decisions about our eternal future? Why do you let people make the eternally bad decision not to put their trust in you? That's not friendship...that's not love. Do you have not that ability? That power? Is free will that important that you would let so many of us be eternally condemned? Maybe you didn't want 'robots,' but is this the best you could do? God, I don't want you to be real! Wouldn't it be better if nothing happens when we die, rather than have most people in hell? I think I would give up the gift of heaven to abolish the reality of hell."

That was a bit raw, and I hope posting it online doesn't cause any trouble, but that's the truth about how I feel at the moment....how I've felt many times. That's how I felt my freshman year at Mizzou, when I thought I might stop following God altogether.

Have you felt that way before? Then, you're not alone. If I've ever given the impression that I don't have struggles with God and faith, then I apologize for my dishonesty.

That's never the end, though. God has never let me stay there. Like so many of David's psalms, where he starts off by questioning God and having doubts, he finishes with truth about God. So, here is sort of the end to the psalm of Justin:

"God, I don't understand you. I don't know how I know this, but I know it: you are real. You are here with us, you've felt our pain too, and you care. You have redeemed me from the threat of hell, and I don't know why. You've redeemed lots of your children, who have become my family. You care about me, delight in me, and want to be with me. I'm going to keep following you....I know this. I have no doubt about this because I've asked you these questions before and you've pulled me back to you every time. Though I fall, trials have produced perseverance, and I will always come back to you whenever I stray. You are good, and I put my hope and trust in you."