To whom shall we go?

One of the most glorious things I have experienced is seeing someone start following God.

One of the toughest things I have experienced is seeing someone abandon God. For me, this raises questions about the legitimacy of my faith and the realness of a faithful God. It sucks, and it's hard to watch.

Because of this, I've found that my most intimate and real prayers to God are praying for people I know to stay true to God and not fall away. It happened last month at a youth group retreat I helped with at the church I grew up in. I was praying that these kids would seek after God with all they have after they graduate. I prayed that there would be crazy folks knocking on the doors of their dorm rooms in college, like Garrett Naufel and Matt Boone did for me my freshman year. I prayed that they would not forget about God and not reject Him when they left the security and familiarity of high/middle school and their home church. I prayed that God would make them good soil, give them a strong root, and protect them from thorns (see Mark 4:2-20)

I'm tearing up even as I'm writing this stupid blog post. I'm not completely sure why this issue hits me so hard.

This past Saturday at The Rock, I was praying this same prayer for people in our church who have recently started following God. The question that they and all the rest of us followers face is found in John 6, verse 67:

Jesus asked the Twelve,

"You do not want to leave too, do you?"

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Jesus had just given his teaching on how his flesh is real food and his blood is real drink. Jesus' disciples didn't understand it (it is pretty confusing) or couldn't accept it, and so they "turned back and no longer followed him." That's when Jesus asks the question to the Twelve.

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The longer I live and discover how the things we strive for leave us dry, the more I realize that the only source of peace, salvation, redemption, and purpose comes from Jesus. There is nothing else. Nowhere else to turn to. No other answer. This is all there is, and it's all we need.

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So, I have my answer to Jesus' question. It's the same answer Peter gives in John 6, verse 68. I hope it's the same answer you and the people I've been praying for will give.

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"Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words to eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

Dry

I was just thinking about how we're all lonely.

All of us. Some more than others. But, to an extent, we all feel that emptiness, that aloneness, that only goes away when we forget about ourselves. But it always comes back.

When you feel lonely, do you ever sit back and think about how everyone else feels the same way?

I guess that helps a little. It also shows that we are not capable of making each other feel "not lonely." If we were capable of that, we'd all probably be a lot happier.

In my life, I sometimes worship the idol of "relationship." I want to be known, be loved, to be chosen. I want to not feel that emptiness of being alone and separated.

That doesn't work though. Relationship, friendship, marriage, etc. don't close the gap. They feel like they will, but they don't.

The real sadness we feel comes from our disconnect from God. Only God can fully know us and not turn away. The sin and selfishness in our lives is the cause of this divide, and most of our lives are devoted to trying to reconnect in various ways.

I realized something about a week ago that I should have figured out a long time ago. This sounds simple, but I realized that God really wants to be with me. I knew this, at least in the sense that God loves everyone...I'm part of "everyone"...therefore, God loves me. In my conceit, I think I figured that God was only really excited about new people who start following Him. I mean, he already has me. I'm old news.

So, this realization was profound. God wants to be with me, to spend time with me, to show His love to me. These are the same things I secretly wish a romantic relationship would provide.

My loneliness, and yours, can only be defeated through our relationship with the real God. Anything else leaves us dry and thirsty for more.....and it doesn't matter how much sand we put into our mouths, it will never satisfy like water.

Cities, part 2: Las Vegas

Over this past semester, I have visited three different cities that I had never been to before.

The first was Washington D.C. I blogged about this experience in an older post.

The second was Las Vegas. I went there for a basketball tournament and didn't have to pay anything...the team in Las Vegas covered the plane tickets and hotel.

Las Vegas was interesting. I described it in a text to a friend like this:

"There is sex everywhere....it's a bit ridiculous."

No joke. First, when we exited the plane into the airport, there were tons of billboards with girls (and guys) wearing very little clothes. Then, we were driven to our hotel, which happened to be nextdoor to a strip club (don't worry, we didn't go to it....though it did feel a little weird to have to walk past it anytime we left the hotel). Walking around Vegas, there were those boxes that you drop money in and pull out a newspaper....except here there were pornographic magazines instead of newspapers. Everywhere you turn: sex. Not even an exaggeration.

Strangely, my faith in God felt more real and legitimate in Vegas.

I was surrounded by a city whose economy is based on satisfying immediate desires with counterfeit means of fulfillment. Come to Vegas, see lots of naked girls (or guys), have sex, win (probably lose)lots of money! That's the selling point. Really? Is that why millions of people visit this city every year? Is that really what all these people are searching for?

Yeah...sort of.

But it's all just fake. Sex will leave a person wanting more. Money (more than we need, anyway) will only leave us more bored, lonely, and depressed. What I have in Christ is so much better (I'm completely convinced about this) than what sex and money have to offer.

We were in Vegas for less than 48 hours (and we played 5 basketball games), so we had basically no time to spend in the city. But the thing I most wanted to do there is find some Christians who live there and just talk with them about what it's like to live in Vegas. I wondered what the church is doing in that city. With all the hurting, broken, desperate people there (either addicted to sex or having gambled away all their money), what a great opportunity for the church to rise up and offer something so much better! I assume there are good churches even in Las Vegas.....if not, one of us needs to go start one. It could be beautiful. Think about it.

The third was Memphis. (which I will save for another post)

Hold on, baby, hold on. This place is not our home.

The last month or so, I've been really distant from God. Prayer, reading the Word, worship through music, all have been difficult to do.

I feel apathetic. I feel like all the work I've tried to do to further God's kingdom has been fruitless and in vain (I know this isn't true, but knowing the truth about something doesn't always cancel out the feeling).

I started out the semester excited about outreach in the dorms, building into people, discipleship, etc. It seems like all the people I've met with and tried to build into have disappeared or, if anything, become less interested in God.

The toughest thing of all is back home. Two of my best friends, one being a huge part of my testimony and the other being someone I used to look up to spiritually, don't believe in God at all anymore. They stopped following God over a year ago, so this isn't something that just happened, but it's been getting to me lately. I've prayed for these guys quite a bit, definitely more than I've prayed about most other things. I know God has the power to bring them back...

...but He hasn't. I don't know why. I don't know what He's waiting for. I don't get it. And I'm pretty angry with God about it. Probably not a good place to be, but it's the truth about where I'm at with it.

So, that's the barrier. The wall. The chasm between God and I right now.

My defense mechanism for barriers between God and I has always been to sort of ignore it and retreat to this apathetic state of mind.

I think I've probably tried to stay occupied and find hope in some other circumstantial things. Future plans, having fun, school stuff, etc. But after a potential romantic relationship that didn't work out, winter break looming in the near future (and its lack of things to keep me occupied for a month), and other things that always fail to bring true peace and joy, I'm suddenly out of places to turn. I'm mad at God, tired of myself, and disappointed with the world.

I listened to a band called Thrice some today. They have a song called "In Exile," which is here for you to listen to:

The chorus says:

My heart is filled with songs of forever

A city that endures, where all is made new

I know I don't belong here

I'll never call this place my home

I'm just passing through

I often lose sight of this. I still try to build up my own kingdom in this world. I have to be sure of what job I'm going to have; I have to make sure I find someone to marry; I have to maintain my dignity and make sure people think I'm cool; I have to stay safe and out of danger;....the list goes on.

But my citizenship is in heaven. And in heaven, God's not going to care about what job I had. In heaven, people aren't going to be married. In heaven, no one will care who is cool because our worth will be found completely in God. And not being safe?....that will only get me to heaven faster.

So, why am I so focused on all these things? (and maybe...why are you focused on them too?)

I wish I lived like I really believed in God. I'm going to keep working on that one.

In the meantime....hold on, baby, hold on....because this place in not our home.

Fear and Sanity and God

This past weekend, I went with my friends Andy and Aaron to Washington DC for John Stewart and Stephen Colbert's Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear.

It was a pretty sweet time. The rally was a ton of fun. Crazy costumes, hilarious show with a really good message (don't believe anything you may have heard on the news about the rally).

The main theme of the rally, in my opinion, has two parts. First, the fear/sanity part. Stephen Colbert played the antagonist, talking about how there are all these things to be afraid of, showing clips of people in the media freaking out about all kinds of ridiculous things, including something about flip-flops and spiders. John Stewart played the protagonist, arguing that the media blows things way out of proportion, and, even though there are things to fear, that the American people can overcome the problems we have. The other theme was how people in America work together "every damn day" despite our racial/ethnic/socioeconomic/political/etc. differences, and that the only place where people don't work together is the media and in government. It was pretty legit. (And contrary to what Fox News says, the crowd of 200,000 people was pretty tame and accepting of everyone).

I thought it was great. We all do work together every day. It felt in some ways unifying to hear it. We can disagree on many things, but still be on the same team. Liberal, conservative, black, white, purple, other, Christian, Muslim, Jew, atheist, man, woman, straight, gay, unsure, tall, short, whatever...we are all people and we all matter.

This all being said, I did feel a bit out-of-place at times. I was out of the Bible Belt. Most people were not Christians. And though I probably agree with most of these liberal folks on many things and admire them for their activism and (whether altruistic or not) concern for things like the environment, poverty, etc., my beliefs about God are very different.

And all weekend, God felt fake. I felt like my beliefs were ridiculous and silly.

It's interesting how God feels real when I'm around lots of Christians, and fake when I'm around lots of people who don't believe in Jesus.

I know God is real. I was weak this past weekend, but I'm not questioning the truth of God. I am, however, questioning my faith, in a good way. I wish I was more exposed to the world outside of Christianity. I wish I had more experience with the "trial" of following something against the majority, which would build up perseverance in me for when I feel ridiculous for believing in Christ.

It's important to have a community of believers. But it's also important to be strong in your faith when that community is momentarily absent.

Praying for more experience in this particular trial, in order to build up my faith.

Brother Jed...and other thoughts

The last couple days, I have spent a lot of hours hanging out at Speakers Circle listening to Brother Jed. For those of you who are not familiar with Brother Jed, here is a quick summary of what he does:

Brother Jed is a Christian preacher who travels around and speaks out in the open at college campuses around the country. His methods are very controversial and confrontational, and full of provocative phrases that will draw a crowd. Many Christians and non-Christians alike are offended by some of the things he says. That being said, most of his beliefs are in-line with the majority of protestant Christians.

When I first came to Mizzou, I was pretty offended by Brother Jed and his fellow preachers. They talked about how they could barely remember the last time they had sinned and routinely called the people who stuck around to listen things like "whores" or "masturbators." I would say things like, "They are preaching hate," and, "I don't agree with the way they are going about this. It's just making Christians look bad."

I have a pretty different view on all this now. I think what Brother Jed does is pretty awesome. I still don't think I would ever say some of the ridiculous things he says, and I certainly still disagree on a few things he says....but it's hard to be critical of someone who is preaching Christ when I'm ashamed about my faith so often.

If nothing else, it gets people talking. It is amazing how easy it is to strike up a conversation about God with people in the crowd listening to Jed. This week, I had some sweet talks with various folks and even made some connections with a few people who are interested in checking out the church I go to at Mizzou. Incredible. I wish I had done this more during my college career.


Something Brother Jed said to me Thursday evening has been on my mind a lot. He asked me if I had accepted Christ, and I told him that I had. He asked me when, and I told him it happened about 12 years ago. Then he pointed toward part of the crowd and said, "You need to be discipling these people."

I'm not sure why this hit me so hard. Sometimes, it's good to be told what to do.

This got me thinking a bit about college ministry...like I need more post-graduation options. I want to be a teacher, but I also want to talk to people about Jesus. I know these are not mutually exclusive, but still.

Anyway, if nothing else, Brother Jed's statement to me has renewed a sense of importance about telling people about a relationship with Jesus.

Because this relationship is it. This is it! This isn't a part of us, just an aspect of our lives. This is why we exist, how we exist, who we are, and what we need to focus on. This is everything. The rest is a pale counterfeit to what Christ can give us.

Earlier this semester, a pastor named Dave Megill said that God is not a "harsh master who cheats." I lost it during that talk because, subconsciously, I have viewed God as that cheating, harsh master. I viewed God as weak, lacking the power to bring real joy, real holiness, and real love. I viewed God as the bringer of salvation, but yet too weak to actually affect my life. But I don't believe that's true anymore.

I hear Christians talking all the time about how they will keep falling into sin despite their relationship with God. But I don't think it's supposed to be that way. God can and will help us break out of our sinful ways. I don't know that we'll ever stop sinning completely, but to view it as something that's going to happen no matter what is a terrible perspective.

Because holiness is possible! Joy is possible too! God does want us to be happy despite our circumstances. He can break us out of depression, out of lust, out of selfishness, out of hatred. He is real; He is powerful; He is not a harsh master; and He doesn't cheat us.

He wants us to have life more abundant, and that's what is waiting for us. We just need to believe it enough to throw away all the crap that's holding us back from the truth that we all feel.

I know this post is pretty random and disconnected. I want to put my thoughts down a bit more in-depth on some of these topics in the near-ish future. In the meantime, let's keep seeking the truth and throwing away those things holding us back....not to earn God's approval, but simply to know Him more and live the abundant life He wants us to have.

There are no half-naked girls dancing around the words of Jesus.

"So, I don't care if nobody loves me, nobody loves me, nobody loves me but you.
Because the truth is never sexy. So, it's not an easy sell. You can dress her like the culture, but she'll shock 'em just as well. But she don't need an apology for being who she is. And she don't need your help making enemies."

This quote is from a song by Derek Webb that I listened to today. The lyric "the truth is never sexy" really caught my attention.

So much about the truth from the Bible, especially the words of Jesus, are in no way sexy. If they were a commercial on TV, there would be no half-naked girls dancing around.

If it were marketed toward kids, there would be no mothers to approve it. There would be no smiling, retired, old people.

There would be respected law-abiding citizens telling the audience to stay away. That it's going to ruin everything you've worked toward. It could make you sick or move away from your family or give all your money away or quit your job or lose your dignity or be killed. It would be like those commercial for new drugs, where most of the commercial would a list of bad side-effects.

But it's still the truth. And it's just as good as the preacher in church says it will be. It's just as breathtaking and exhilarating as you hope it could be. As you want it to be. It's that.

Unfortunately for a lot of us, we want the exhilaration without the side-effects. But it doesn't work that way. God requires nothing from us for His love. But we're not going to feel his love unless we do what He commands us, with disregard to what people and culture say.

Do you want to feel God's joy? That happiness that stays despite your circumstances?

Do you want to be holy? Set apart and victorious over the temptation of sin?

Do you want to feel God's love? To be special and wanted and loved, knowing God's commitment to you and His joy from being with you?

I believe those things are all possible and real. I think the key to all of them is to really believe the things Jesus tells us.

So, when Jesus says to love our enemies, let's not gossip about them. When he says to sell stuff we have (or buy fewer things) so we have money to give to the poor, let's actually give money away. When he says that it's hard for the rich to enter the kingdom of heaven, let's make it easy on ourselves and become poor. When Jesus spends all his time with the losers, the disabled, the sick, the poor, let's spend time with those people too and become their friend and love them.

And when we do these things, we will joyous, holy, and overwhelmed by God's love. And if we don't do these things, then we're probably just faking it.